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Day Two: Regret

Today has been a roller coaster. I went to bed last night, had a decent night of sleep, woke up and went to work. I didn't hate being there, but I felt in a fog. Everything felt very quiet and slow and it was kinda nice, but I had an impossible time with trying to stay awake. I spent most of my day falling asleep at my desk and walking around to try to stay up. I still got a fair amount of my work done, but I didn't feel good about my productivity. I couldn't even figure out what I was supposed to be doing most of the day because I just felt lost and confused.

At about noon, I left to pick up lunch. I could feel the Xanax wearing off. By 1:21pm exactly, it was like someone flipped a light switch and all of the calm and quiet shut off, and the static resumed. I had my pills with me and could've taken another half, but knowing the addictive nature of this drug, I'm trying to pace myself with it. It says to take twice a day as needed, and I didn't think I "NEEDED" it. I was probably wrong.

I text my friend to share with him how I was feeling about this shut off moment because I think it is interesting and trying to track my experience with it. But I also just want to share with someone what I'm going through. My mom isn't a great source - she often just leaves me on read when I express I'm experiencing pretty much anything. My only other friend is very consumed with a difficult break up right now, so I don't feel like he is someone I can bother with this information right now. But my friend I did reach out to, while he did respond, he didn't respond in a way that I was looking for. Not his fault. He also struggles with mental health and we both deal with these things in a dark humor sort of way. And he made a very light joke in response to my outreach, which under normal circumstances, I'd probably just laugh and it would be fine. But today it was not the vibe. So I just didn't text him back.

Later I told him that the humor right now isn't something I'm looking for because this is very difficult at the moment. I really just need some compassion or a verbal hug. So I told him I'm just going to be more selective with what I share so I don't hurt my own feelings by expecting to get a reaction that I don't receive. He isn't a mind reader, and it is not his responsibility to walk on egg shells while I'm volatile. I tried to communicate clearly that I'm not upset with him for his reaction, but I do need to filter my oversharing and maybe just keep some of this to myself. I feel like he is mad at me now for this because I haven't heard back from him...which is unfortunate because he is literally like my only reliable friend that I can trust. So on one hand I feel bad for the entire interaction, but I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate any of this right now.

By the time I got home from work, I was so exhausted. I went to bed for a few hours and woke up to my boss at my freelance gig blowing up my phone. I missed a phone call from my friend in New York, and because of the time difference, I couldn't call her back. I really wanted to talk to her to see what her experience has been with these medications because she's been dealing with this longer than I have. I did text her so hopefully we can talk about it tomorrow. But back to my boss. I tried to calmly respond to all of his inquiries and communicate that I am not feeling well, and doing my best to keep up with everything. To be fair, he pays me $200 a week and I cannot keep being at their beckon call, for 20-30 hours a week. So I'm spent on being patient with him. And having the Xanax out of my system, the immediate rage ensued, but I did not express it to him. I can see why this drug is so addictive and how people can be so reliant on it because of the immediate shut off from it...which is very concerning to me. What happens after the two weeks of being on it? Am I just going to plummet?

I called my mom and kinda freaked out. I was hysterical. I told her how tired I am feeling and how hard it is to try to do my freelance work right now because I can't even do my proper job. She was nicer than normal and tried to be understanding - which is a lot for her. We went to McDonalds to get drinks and then I went back home to try to do my work. I was productive for about an hour and a half. I took both of my pills tonight, and we will see if tomorrow fares better. But if I start to fall off midday again, I plan to take at least a quarter pill to see if that helps me coast...assuming I don't just fall asleep.

I am still smoking today while I type this, but I did use the last of my coals. I'm going to stop tomorrow and not buy replacement coals so my bloodwork hopefully doesn't show a high tobacco use when I get around to taking those tests on Monday. Google seems to think it's out of the system after 1-3 days. We will see...

I am not a doctor. I cannot recommend (or the opposite of recommend) the taking of any medication. This is just my experience and a documentation of the encounters related. If you are having any dark or negative thoughts, please seek professional help and consult a physician.


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