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I've been feeling bad. Is there a better way to describe that? Probably. But it's been bad. Overwhelming dread, mind racing, zero to one hundred rage, easily triggered and not easily brought back down to "normal". I've been dealing with this for years. Like the first outburst I can think of was 15 years ago, but I didn't have anyone to go to then for help managing these feelings. Even when all of the static escalated to suicidal thoughts.

Now as an adult, I don't really have an excuse to not address this. I've avoided it for a while because I was afraid that being put on medication would deplete my creativity and productivity. But that risk is not as great as the risk I feel I am putting myself in by not seeking some other option. It is effecting my ability to do my job and manage the day to day stress and complications of that job, nonetheless my personal life and just existing.

While that job is an extreme area of contention, and I should probably be actively seeking other employment opportunities, I'm hoping that trying something "new" may help me stabilize and make my job more tolerable. And in turn, hopefully allow me to disconnect more easily and be able to just function. While I am still at this job, I have very good insurance that the company pays I may as well cash in on some doctor visits before I inevitably bail.

I found a doctor on my insurance plan that is both a GP and a psychiatrist. Knowing a psychiatrist is someone who can prescribe medication, this seemed like a good "2 for 1" deal. I had an appointment today, and despite crying while just having to talk about myself on the intake forms, it went really well. By far, the kindest, most gentle, and calm doctors office I have ever been in. It felt so safe, even though it was something I was very scared of. If all doctors offices were like that, I think more people would actually just go instead of dealing with things on their own.

I expressed my concerns with medication, and some of my worries from my medical history. I didn't feel judged and I felt very heard. My doctor agreed that he would help me find solutions where medication wouldn't be something I would have to rely on long term, and would help me work through everything to have a healthier life. In future visits we will dive more in to my "issues" and this poor, sweet, man will probably have the shock of his life - but I think it will be good.

He has started me on Cymbalta and of right now, I have only taken the Cymbalta and plan to take half a Xanax before bed. I ate Japanese curry with fried tofu, some tempura Brussels sprouts (which is now my second favorite thing to have tempura'd. First being broccoli. Life changing - highly recommend!) and some kimchi. Probably too much food but we eat our feelings here. Then after a full stomach, and the Knights winning the Stanley Cup, I took the Cymbalta. When I got back home, I sat down at the computer to do some work like normal. I'm already feeling some concern/regret in taking these medications because I just did not have the motivation to work. I responded to a few emails but graphics are currently out of the question. Maybe once everything gets in my system better, it will level out. And maybe it's just because I'm emotionally exhausted from the day. Either way, I'd rather be writing and sitting in bed with the dog, and watching Housebroken.

My immediate thoughts - I feel slow. Not like brain fog, but like my brain is racing 60% slower than normal. This is probably a normal speed for normal people but feels slow for me. It also feels quiet in my head. I feel like I normally feel like I have to work at insane speeds, all the time so I stay busy and the noise in my head can't surface. But right now, there's no noise at all, so that urge isn't there. It's nice. I also don't really feel like smoking. I made a bowl like I do every night before I start my computer work, but I'm not sucking it down like it's my life force like I normally would. Which supports my conclusions I came to earlier - smoking forces me to breathe and "slow down". Right now I'm just breathing and feeling calm on "my own". Hopefully this helps me properly just stop smoking at all - especially before I get around to making my dentist appointment and they go "wtf" because they can probably just tell once they're digging around in my mouth.

So while I may feel slow, I at least feel like writing again, which is a nice change. It's something for me that I enjoy. I want to try to commit to logging my day to day experiences with all of this so I can remember what is happening and report back to my doctor accordingly. Did I already write that somewhere? I don't remember. Could I just scroll to the top and look? Yeah. But am I going to? No. Because these are my notes and whatever. So now I'm going to wrap up and try to get ready for bed at a human hour so I can have a full night of sleep...and hopefully be reasonable enough tomorrow to deal with the scolding I'm sure to get for my outburst today, and not feel frustrated when I get gaslit for trying to explain myself (this has happened before. Not just my negative speculations). We will see how I feel tomorrow after the half Xanax. *Upside down smiley face*.

I am not a doctor. I cannot recommend (or the opposite of recommend) the taking of any medication. This is just my experience and a documentation of the encounters related. If you are having any dark or negative thoughts, please seek professional help and consult a physician.


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