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Spoke Too Soon *Blurry*

So my last update was over a week ago - a Saturday morning. And I really had full intentions of properly writing every single day. I wanted to have metrics. I wanted to document every single thing. But I did not accomplish that. I ended up being asleep almost that entire weekend and completed none of my chores, none of my Notoriety tasks. Literally nothing. I didn't even have the TV on in the background because I never made it that far.

Then the work week started and I was sick. A coworker had been in the office hacking and coughing everywhere the whole week prior (and literally still today. So three weeks later? Wtf. Anyway), and I came down with that cough myself. I was still dozing off at my desk and completely exhausted but the problem now was - am I tired because of my medication, or am I tired because I'm sick? But besides being tired, and coughing, I felt decent overall. But of course on Monday, my bosses wanted to challenge my progress...

First thing Monday morning, I was trying to get everything sorted for my new hire. I get to the office at 7:00am every day, he was scheduled to arrive at 8:30am. The owners/my bosses, arrived at about 7:45am and called me in to their office. And here is where the challenge begins. They were asking me if we could make changes to our website... (this has been an ongoing area of contention since I started. This situation is frustrating because from day 1 I have been telling them that the Wix platform is not sophisticated enough to do what we need our website to do. They didn't listen. Then they wanted all of these fancy changes, which I told them we could do with coding, but it would take more time because I am not a code expert, but am capable of doing it. Wix allows for a hybrid of HTML and their normal drag and drop format. I explained all of this to them. They don't listen. Anyway, they finally decide to hire a third party to rebuild our website on a professional platform so it can do all of the things they want it to do and more. But in the meantime, we still have to make our trash website work.) SO ANYWAY they ask me if we can make changes to our website. I very calmly responded that I didn't understand the question, because I didn't. We have never not been able to make changes to our website. So they repeat "Can we make changes to our website". And still in confusion, I just said "yes" and stopped. Then the other one jumped in asking me what my problem was and I explained that I was being asked an ambiguous question that I did not understand because we have never not been able to make changes. They then went on to cherry pick and twist things I have said previously and threw in my face "Well YOU said that we would have to do HTML to edit things and it was really difficult to do". And I again, calmly responded "Yes. Some of those things are difficult, but difficult and impossible are not synonymous." And again, the other one jumped on me about what my problem was. I told her that this was not the right time to discuss this because the new person would be starting in a few minutes, and I do not think this is the appropriate time to explain to them that I hate working here and they are miserable to work for. So she very dramatically rolled her eyes at me and that was basically the end of our conversation. I'm more or less just waiting for them to fire me at this point because I don't plan to ever have that conversation and would love to find a new job in the next three weeks while they are out of the country...but not holding my breath.

But! An important reflection here is that normally, this situation would've had me seeing red. I would feel my whole body get warm and my brain black out from rage because of how STUPID their questions were. It's something we have discussed ad nauseam, but they don't pay attention or listen. Then the gaslighting and manipulating what I've said to support their false narrative. All of this is infuriating. However, I stayed calm. I felt myself get warm but I was careful to pause before I said anything and thought it was right for me to not engage in that conversation at that time. Which is extremely unlike me, but extremely good.

The rest of the week was spent with me being sick, trying to not fall asleep, train the new guy, and my bosses avoiding me. It was a blur that I really don't remember much else of. I also realized that my exhaustion could be because I was forgetting to eat...I didn't eat for 3 days and didn't even notice. I was going to bed before 7pm. Basically non-existent. I cancelled my chiropractor appointments and reschedule my OBGYN for when I wasn't so dead. By Friday I was feeling a lot better. My cough was under control. I felt awake like I had clarity. I wouldn't say I felt better than normal, but I felt neutral. No brain static, not worried about stuff, just pacing myself and getting done what I can, as I can.

Saturday and Sunday I still mostly stayed in bed, but not because I felt hopelessly exhausted, but just because I felt lazy and didn't want to do anything. I woke up around 6am without an alarm, had breakfast with my mom on Saturday, ran some errands, saw some Golden Knights in the parking lot at Target, and took a nap. I got some of my work, sorted my massive heap of laundry, washed the dog barf blanket, and went to a movie! A freaking MOVIE. Talk about unlike me. But I saw the Flash with my friend and it was pretty good. Would see again. Sunday, pretty much the same thing. Lazed around all day, finished putting my laundry away, organized my closet and got rid of some clothes, planned all of my work outfits for like the next 2 months, took out the trash, picked up dog poop, had dinner with my mom, watched Guardians of the Galaxy and Emperors New Groove. On the downside, I am just so extremely unmotivated to get my Notoriety work I thought if I make a bowl, I will sit at my desk and work. And I I need to find a different solution to get my work done without smoking. My resting heart rate has dropped significantly over the last two weeks of not smoking so I know I need to stop...but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it I guess.

Now, Monday. I'm feeling neutral/good. I woke up on time, showered and washed my hair, stopped at McDonalds and had a breakfast burrito, and basically not done my job yet. Did some website updates, met with my teammate and gave him some tasks for the week, updated the Monday board...and now I'm sitting here writing this. But I feel awake and productive. I don't feel brain static. Just disinterested in doing my actual job...but I don't think there's enough drugs in the world to make me want to do that. Hopefully I'm back on track with logging everything so I don't have to cram a week and a half in one entry again, because my brain can't hold that much.

I am not a doctor. I cannot recommend (or the opposite of recommend) the taking of any medication. This is just my experience and a documentation of the encounters related. If you are having any dark or negative thoughts, please seek professional help and consult a physician.


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